We come upon differences all the time, between groups of people, in all sorts of relationships, and within ourselves. There are constant pulls among values, desires, needs, preferences, fears, priorities, etc…
In a romantic relationship, a union begins between two people who came from different families, cultures, environments, upbringings, teachings, experiences, lifestyles, religions, spiritual guidings, and expectations put upon them. Each grew up seeing different examples of how relationships work or don’t work and how men or women behave in relationships. They have differing personalities, beliefs, hopes, dreams and expectations.
In the beginning so many of these factors are ignored or overlooked. Physical attraction is usually high, or common interests or hobbies bring couples together in fun and interesting ways.
But incompatibilities will exert themselves; and the force in opposing directions will bring conflict. The opposition may be very real or a perception, but either way it will create conflict. This may be expressed in angry behaviors or quietly….even in silence.
Multiple problems occur when conflicts remain unresolved. One or both partners become unsatisfied; and there is no sense of closure about an issue.
Common Causes of Conflict
Here are some of the most troubling causes of conflicts with the couples that I have worked with over the years:
- different views of marriage
- disputed expectations regarding roles, living together, caring for a home, raising children, etc.
- balancing giving each other space and time while retaining intimacy and connection
- transitions between life stages (job changes, mid-life, etc.) and in relationship phases (having children, etc.)
- poor communication skills and unhealthy patterns (withdrawal, defensiveness, etc.)
- missing a foundation of safety and healthy interdependence
- differences in emotional expression and emotional intelligence
- physical health and physiological factors affecting mood and leading to outbursts (fatigue, stress, low blood sugar, hormonal shifts, etc.)
- disagreements over money including spending, saving, and goal setting
- resistance of one partner to the self-improvement endeavors of the other
- rigid thinking, disrespect, and/or lack of support
- feeling unheard, criticized, misunderstood or powerless
Common Responses to Conflict:
- fighting
- submitting
- fleeing
- freezing
- communicating
We all engage in each of these responses at some time. Some could even be useful in certain circumstances. It’s important, after all, to be able to argue or insist on your rights and boundaries when confronted by a harmful person.
But angry fighting, as well as the next three responses, becomes dysfunctional and emotionally costly if used when communication is an option. These four responses can lead to anxiety disorders, depression, hysteria, addiction, and so on….
Angry fighting can include harmful behaviors such as arguing, blaming, criticizing, shouting, insisting, coercing, being obstinate, etc. These behaviors can escalate, become abusive and tear apart relationships.
Constantly submitting, surrendering or giving in can bring down self-esteem and increase feelings of guilt and depression.
Fleeing and avoidance can take the form of several unhealthy behaviors, such as overworking, abusing drugs or alcohol, disordered eating, stonewalling, etc. None of these will ever make a conflict go away or help you to feel better.
Freezing up can build anxiety and become dangerous. Constant indecision and procrastination can increase anxiety and lead to panic attacks, fear of having panic attacks (agoraphobia), or severe mood disorders. Freezing up can also lead to depression.
Usually these unhealthy anger responses developed within the family of origin. Interestingly, they can occur in conflict with others as well as in conflict with oneself.
Did you witness or experience a lot of angry fighting in your family? Do one or both of your parents frequently submit to the other, flee from the home, or freeze up in conflicts?
How Conflicts Stay Unresolved
In new relationships, one person’s habitual responses to conflict can trigger those of the other person. This is often how poor patterns of interaction between couples begin and continue.
It’s a destructive dance. When mutually reinforced, the negative interactions and behaviors become patterns. Then each starts to believe they can anticipate how the other will behave, and that is triggering as well.
Consider the couple going out to eat and falling into the same frustrating pattern: he wants her to choose the restaurant, but she becomes indecisive. Her indecisiveness triggers an anger response in him, and his expression of anger triggers stronger indecisiveness for her.
Sound familiar?
It can be helpful to see the patterns as mutually reinforcing rather than as one causing the other. No one is changing the steps; either one leads and the other follows in the same old patterns. Both keep contributing in the same ways.
What if one could be the catalyst and redirect the dance?
This is not always true, of course. The contribution and responsibility is not always equal.
Please read this disclaimer: If you are experiencing any of the following, seek additional professional help.
- If anger escalates to physical violence, contact police or a domestic abuse hotline or facility.
- If drugs or alcohol exacerbate anger episodes, consider an alcohol program.
- If there is severe paranoia or sadistic components, contact police or a psychiatric professional.
The first key in developing better conflict resolution starts with identifying negative and unhealthy behavior patterns that have developed. The second key is learning cooperation and collaborative problem solving.
Choices In Conflict
In conflict you have two choices: you can compete, or you can cooperate. Plus, there is always a range of actions and payoffs you can consider and choose from.
When anger arises, there is a softening required. For such synthesis to occur, you both need to call on logical thinking and basic communication skills in order to work through conflict to reach satisfactory resolution.
The goal is always cooperation, or win-win.
The Problems with Win-Lose and Compromise
In a win-lose scenario one must score a point, be right, be smarter, be stronger, be more dominant, fight to succeed. But is it success, really?
And how about compromise? Isn’t that what everyone told you? Marriage takes compromise. A successful relationship requires compromise. I’ll challenge the success of this approach, too.
Compromise is mutual concession, simply agreeing to both win and lose. But neither fully gets what they want, and both lose something and feel “compromised”.
A well thought out compromise CAN help ease tensions, so it IS a worthy consideration. With the defenses down and a settlement in place, a couple can certainly move forward and plan better.
But, the best problem-solving conflict resolution method isn’t what you think….it isn’t compromise.
What Is the Best Conflict-Resolution Method?
The best conflict-resolution method is win-win and collaborative problem-solving. In this form of conflict-resolution there is no loser. Each gets what they want; both sides win. It involves cooperation and collaboration.
Instead of focusing only on each of your positions, you focus on your underlying concerns, interests, feelings, wishes, and reasons behind your positions. These can be satisfied in different ways.
For example, you might want to have a cleaning spree together every Saturday morning while your partner wants to spend a little time each evening tackling a designated space together.
You could resolve to have a shortened cleaning spree every Saturday morning and spend a few evenings cleaning and call it a “compromise”. But likely your partner will resent the Saturday morning sprees and you will tire of the evening cleanings.
If you take a little more time to discuss your underlying wishes and concerns and brainstorm other options, you could come up with a plan more satisfying to both of you.
Through further discussion you might discover that you both want to live in a neat and tidy home and understand the consistency required to keep up with that desire, AND you both value the free time you have independently and together.
Maybe your partner longs for Saturday morning hikes, and you only insisted on Saturday morning cleanings because that’s what your mom insisted, so that’s what you associate with responsible homemaking.
Perhaps your partner resents all the Saturday mornings stolen from his childhood by his mom who made the same demand. Or maybe he just needs to break the housework into chunks of time to prevent burnout, but you feel too drained at the end of a long day at work, so you might consider tidying up each morning.
There are a plethora of possibilities to resolve this conflict and satisfy both of your desires. Don’t always settle for compromise. Work toward a win-win resolution.
Win-Win Collaborative Problem-Solving In Action:
Here is one method you and your spouse or partner could try next time you find yourselves in conflict, or if you currently have an ongoing issue you would like to tackle.
First, write the problem down on a note card or sheet of paper, and place it on a table in front of you both. Next, follow this three-step action plan.
1. Each of you express your initial positions and thoughts regarding the issue.
2. Explore your underlying concerns.
3. Brainstorm solutions and select one that is mutually satisfying.
Let’s break this down a little further so you can be super successful in your collaborative problem solving.
Additional Tips for Successful Conflict Resolution
Before beginning any attempt at conflict resolution, you and your spouse or partner must both be in a calm state.
If either of you are angry, my blog post, “The ART of Peaceful Conflict Resolution” will help you learn to effectively disengage, recover and talk through conflicts. Print two copies of that post so you both have the tools to solve conflicts peaceably.
You should also grab my “Processing Anger Toolkit”, which I created to help you stop, assess and deal with your anger. You’ll also learn to figure out exactly what you want and a realistic strategy.
1. Expressing Initial Positions:
Both of you will take a turn expressing your positions—that is saying how you each feel, or how you see things, and explicitly what you each want. Your tones will be calm and feelings expressed without aggression.
In turn, you will each indicate what you heard from the other and show that you have taken their words seriously. This means, as listeners, that you will both offer your full attention, listen carefully, refrain from interrupting or disrespecting, and repeat what the other said.
The table does not turn until the first speaker feels heard. So one might have to reiterate what wasn’t heard correctly.
Communication Skills for Healthy Conflict Resolution (first and foremost):
- Get clear about your feelings and wants so you can verbalize them efficiently and effectively
- Use a calm tone—no irritation or accusation.
- Use I-Statements and avoid blaming or criticizing (For example, say “I felt left out and wanted you to include me” instead of “You just do whatever you want and never think of me”.)
- Only give information about yourself or ask about the other; make no assumptions. (For example, instead of “I’m sure you think it’s silly, but I….” say “That is how I feel. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”
- Make clear requests instead of complaints (For example, turn “I’m sick of spending my whole evening in the kitchen while you scroll the news on the couch” into “Would you please clean up after dinner so I can have time to shower?” or “Would you please pick one night per week to handle dinner and clean up?”)
- Speak in short chunks. Say what you want to say in 2 sentences maximum….and not looong run-on sentences.
- Stay on one topic.
Listening Skills for Healthy Conflict Resolution:
- Use summarizing statements to show that you heard and acknowledge what was said (So you’re saying…. So you feel…. So you want….)
- Focus on what is right or the main point vs. looking for what’s wrong (“Ok, yes, I do that sometimes” vs “I don’t always do that so stop saying I do and leave me alone.”)
- Don’t use the word “but” and discount their words. Say “Yes, and….” to produce a sense of joint input and acceptance. (“I hear you are upset, but it’s not entirely my fault” vs. “I hear you are upset, and I want to tell you how I feel, too”)
2. Explore Underlying Concerns
This is digging deeper to discover your underlying feelings, wishes, fears, values, memories, etc., that are motivating you each to hold your positions. Remember from the example about how two adults can have different experiences and memories of their mothers insisting on Saturday morning housecleaning?
There are reasons you each feel the way you do and wish for the things you want. You both have visualizations of an ideal outcome that need to be explored.
Answer these questions:
- What are you concerned about?
- What are your interests?
- What do you wish for?
- What feeling/emotion is driving your desire?
- What memories might be fueling your persistence?
Use the same communication and listening skills described above. Take turns, speak in short chunks, summarize comments, stay on topic, etc…
As you hear and come to appreciate each other’s fears, hurts and longings, you’ll find the tension easing. Your increased empathy for each other will help you both soften and be more gentle with the resolution process.
Now you’ll be able to consider these relevant concerns from both sides in a collaborative manner, share responsibility for them, and incorporate them into the resolution.
3. Brainstorm and Select a Solution
Together, generate several options to accommodate the conflict and concerns. There are always more options than you first think. You both have to exercise some flexibility and let go of attachment to one particular solution.
What plan might take all the concerns into account? Try to think of at least three options, including modified versions of each initial position plus one new idea. It is best to stretch yourselves to think of even more!
Are there any concerns that you both share? These should be addressed and satisfied first. Then add details that address your unique concerns.
Perhaps you can sum up both of your suggestions and try them sequentially or in an cooperative way.
Maybe you can get creative with ways to expand scarce resources if money is low, time is slim, you don’t really know much about the problem, etc.
One of you could trade off a minor concern for a bigger one.
Take your time to make sure that the solution, or solutions, you choose meet your underlying concerns and that you detail a plan for implementation.
There are a lot of negotiations that could take place if you give yourselves a chance to decompress, reconvene peacefully, and talk through conflicts in this manner.
This isn’t about airing out issues. It’s about joint decision-making. You’ll move from ugly opposition to solving shared problems..
Need more help?
Conflict Resolution Coaching for Really Angry Couples
Emotional and interpersonal distress result from poorly handled conflicts. Healthy conflict resolution alleviates that distress.
But resolving conflicts isn’t usually easy….especially when one or both of you are really angry. If that’s the case, you need a conflict-based treatment approach.
I help the couples I work with:
- convert that anger energy into momentum for growth
- pinpoint deep reasons for their anger (sometimes this isn’t so obvious)
- limit hostility and attacks and learn more successful ways of interacting
- learn and practice new ways of handling conflicts
- move from being adversaries to collaborators in mutual problem-solving
- create safety to engage in more satisfying and productive conversations
