How to Communicate Your Anger Safely and Effectively

When you want to communicate about your anger, it’s wise to understand first that anger begets anger. It’s a common misconception that we need to get anger out, need to say what we want to say….and that will somehow be helpful.

But usually after anger is out, you still don’t feel very good and you still don’t get what you want.

What are you trying to accomplish when you become angry? What do you hope will happen if you “get everything out”?

I know what your goal probably is in wanting to get everything out: it’s to be heard.

Would you be willing to find a more effective way to get the deep messages and feelings inside of you out so that someone really will hear them? To convey your thoughts in a different way, without escalation, and with you feeling safer?

In this post I’ll describe various helpful skills you can employ when you’re angry and need to communicate in an effective and safe way.

1. Communicate Your Anger with Effective Speaking Skills

Identify and express your desires clearly.

No hinting or waiting for the other person to guess or figure it out. There’s no room for passive-aggressive behavior in communicating your anger. Get clear about how you feel and what you want or need. Start the conversation with what you want to talk about and how you would like the conversation to end.

State what you want rather than what you don’t want.

This requires you to get clear on why you’re really angry. Why don’t you want your partner coming home late? What do you want instead? What are you missing? It is more effective to tell your partner that you want to have dinner together more often than to state that you don’t want your partner coming home from work late anymore.

Use I-statements rather than You-statements.

Communicating your anger isn’t about blaming. Take responsibility for your feelings. Someone else might not care if their partner comes home late every evening because they love the time alone. But if YOU don’t like it, say that. Don’t try to make them feel ashamed or guilty. Try to help them see your true desires.

Keep it short.

You want to encourage dialogue, not perform a monologue. Communicate your anger and your desire in two to three sentences max. Again, this goes back to getting clear about how you feel and what you want. But it also ensures that you will be heard. Do you want to sit through a long, drawn out recount of complaints and wishes for you to change something or be different somehow? Being concise will suffice.

Succinctness will leave less to be questioned or argued with and will help to prevent misunderstandings. When you go on and on and try to make several points at once, you’ll just be disappointed when they misconstrue things or grasp on to only one point and ignore or forget the rest.

2. Listening Skills Will Compliment How You Communicate Your Anger

Hear their concerns, too.

Communicating your anger in a relationship isn’t a one-way street. Sure, sometimes you need to set firm boundaries. But right now I’m writing about communication leading to problem-solving. Once you’ve used your good speaking skills, become a good listener. And don’t expect them to communicate their anger as skillfully as you did if they haven’t read this. Respectfully give them the floor.

Respond in a way that shows that you take what they said seriously.

Try to summarize what they said by using this starter: So you think/feel/believe…. Keep your face and tone neutral—no eye rolling or sarcasm. Ask if you got it right, and let them explain again if you didn’t. Validate them and let them know what makes sense to you about what they said.

Build a cooperative conversation.

Don’t let things get competitive. Be the catalyst to keep things focused on key issues and solutions.

Also, don’t harp on word choices. We shouldn’t use terms like “You always…”, “You never…”, etc. But arguing about word choice distracts from a valid point that is trying to be made. Acknowledge the root issue and the effect on the person and the relationship, no matter how often it occurs.

Acknowledge and respect differences in communication styles.

Don’t get too hung up on requiring eye contact or questioning why they have their arms crossed, etc. It isn’t necessary to sit across from each other eye to eye. Make sure you are both comfortable. Walks or drives can offer opportune times to have effective conversations.

You might need to slow down. Quick solutions are great as long as each feels heard and understood first.

Some people cry easily. It isn’t weak, manipulative, or a reason to stop a conversation. There’s caring in those tears. Don’t let tears become part of the issue. They’re just the nervous system’s way of releasing tension. So try to talk through the crying. But sometimes there’s frustration or tiredness, and you might need a break. That’s all.

Don’t be quick to judge another person’s feelings. If you’re highly emotional and your partner isn’t, that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Men tend to focus on facts and finding solutions, while women usually express more feelings and a need to know why. My husband is very steady….always. And in our arguments he maintains composure better than me; it’s not that he doesn’t love me enough to turn into a ball of tears like me.

Also, some people have more capacity for deep conversations, and some might need breaks. One can become flooded by overwhelming feelings, by bringing up too many topics at once, or by being confronted with too much depth when they haven’t had personal time to figure out how they really feel. It isn’t fair to expect your partner to go deep on the spot when you’ve been thinking and journaling about the topic for days.

Monitor your anger level.

If you find that you are not ready to listen and your anger starts rising, or if this happens for the other person, call for a time-out and spend some time with my Processing Anger Toolkit. Suggest that your partner reads it, too!

Give each other some space and address the issue at another time when you’re both calm and ready.

3. Toxic Behaviors to Avoid When You Communicate Your Anger

Criticism

Don’t attack their personality or character. There is no benefit of proving yourself right and proving them wrong.

Generalizations

Avoid extreme language, such as using phrases like “you always…”, “you never…”, “you’re the type of person who …”, “why are you so …”. These will only bring up defenses.

Contempt

This includes attacking with insults, name-calling, cursing, hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, angry tones, and closed off body language

Defensiveness

If your partner responds with their own complaint, it’s natural to want to ward off the perceived attack and protect yourself. But you don’t have to see yourself as a victim. Let go of any thoughts of righteous indignation. You can present yourself as someone with a legitimate request for something better. Don’t ignore what they say or get into a battle of complaints. Try to see how it coincides with your complaint and request and how a resolution might occur.

Yes-butting

This negates whatever was said. Try saying, “Yes, and….”. Or take it up a notch and try saying, “Yes, I see your point, and….”

Stonewalling

It’s not okay to withdraw just to avoid conflict. You may think you’re taking the upper hand walking away, but icy distance, separation, disconnection, smugness, and stony silence are detrimental. There is a huge difference between these behaviors and calling for a needed time-out when you’re overwhelmed.

4. Communicate Your Anger With Skill

You now have skills to help you communicate your anger in a way that will feel good and will most likely be heard AND get you what you want in your relationship.

Your anger is a symptom of unresolved conflict. It’s a red stop sign beckoning you to look around, assess a situation, figure out what you want, and create a plan to deal with it.

If communicating your anger effectively and safely still seems challenging to you because you’re holding on to strong negative emotions, you’re having a difficult time calming your sympathetic nervous system, you feel out of control, or you have no idea why your anger is so great, then I suggest you start with my Processing Anger Toolkit.

Here’s what you’ll find in my Processing Anger Toolkit:

8 Ways to Clear Negative Emotions in the Moment – strategies for quickly deescalating your sympathetic nervous system so that you can shift to a more beneficial state of peace, self-control and problem-solving.

Anger Recalibrating Exercise – a tool to help you slow down and process your anger in the moment.

8 Ways to Process Anger When You’re Calm – strategies to more deeply analyze your anger so that you can become better equipped to prevent anger from arising.

Analyze What’s Underneath Your Anger Exercise – a tool to help you get to the root of your anger and forge a path to better anger management.

I hope you’ll check out my Processing Anger Toolkit so you can get yourself in the right head space to communicate your anger safely and effectively.

If you need more personalized help, I would love to work with you to manage your strong emotions and solve your relationship issues. I’ve helped hundreds of individuals and couples improve their communication skills and solve long-standing problems. Send me an email now so we can have a free call this week to see how we can work together on processing and communicating your anger safely and effectively. Or send me a message on the WhatsApp # on this page.